Uncultured L.A.

Happy Endings Every Time

May 8, 2018

05/082018

Living in Los Angeles, no one is a stranger to the ubiquitous Chinese Foot Massage centers: you get an hour of fingers digging into all of your reflexive foot zones for a mere $20 bones.

Such a steal, why isn’t everyone there?

To be honest, most think of these as the “Happy Ending” massage places. The tawdry, flashing neon, the curtains, the sparse English. I blab on to many friends and acquaintances about how I’ll only go to these since they are the cheapest – the weight of the stares after I mention this makes me consider hiring a porter.

“Well, you have to be careful with those…you never know what you’ll get…”

A cheap, full hour massage with a Mandarin lesson included?

Yes.

Let me explain to those feeling apprehensive:

For one hour, usually around 20-35 dollars, depending on what you want and the area of LA, you’ll lie flat on a somewhat cozy, well-laundered towel coated easy chair. They soak your feet in scalding water, while they massage your head and arms and upper back with an oil you would never buy in fear of a rash – it works fine, sans rash. Then, they make your feet feel like they owe you an apology for existing – this can be a mixed bag. Afterwards, you roll over for the back portion. Men usually take their shirts off, and if you are a woman with no fucks to give, you can take off yours as well – it’s done discreetly.

Yes, it’s not the most private – you are in a room of other people getting a rub down. But they put a towel over your eyes, so you can sort of chill out. And yeah, they do whisper to one another, in Chinese. If you are super sensitive, this might not be your cup of Oolong.

I went to several while exploring the vastness of the Peoples Republic of China on a recent trip, and I can attest: these are true, honest to God, Chinese massages. Even the pricing is similar. With people that probably just came from there a few weeks ago.

An additional perk that you won’t get at your Healing Hands place? A punch card with $20 off if you are a lonely person/regular.

I’ve included some of my favorites below if you need some cajoling:

Hollywood/East Hollywood

Good Hands Massage

Sunny Foot Massage

Monterey Park – if you have time for a hop to the SGV

Serenity Spa

Mental.

July 18, 2017

07/182017

It’s been exactly (ok, over) 4 years since I began to medicate with pharmaceuticals. My mental state prior was comparable to a shelf of my grandmother’s fine china, on the San Andreas fault. Trembling and unable to compose myself enough to do what needed to be done, I quietly sulked at home, avoiding reality at any cost.

You’re probably curious at this point; why is a blog about mental illness on a LA culture blog? Especially when it hasn’t been updated in a minute.

To most, I appear as in control woman who travels constantly (while not blogging) without issue as I post photo after photo of bucket list destinations (not on my blog). When others mention their anxiety of planes and air travel, I commiserate along beside them. Three side eyes and an eye roll later, my story is being demanded by my grounded company.

Being a high functioning (read: heavily medicated) anxious person makes others naysay your affliction. I confess, I had an EXCELLENT therapist who was a total hardass that made me take responsibility for my emotions, and taught me to be more introspective when I’m in the trenches. I gotta say, it makes all the difference. That, and being on a low dose of Lexapro with a dash of Xanax improved my standard of living. Instead of rattling dishes, I could finally relate to my spirit animal: a goat.

Seriously?

A goat doesn’t give a single fuck about anything except eating. And scratching it’s itchy spots. And spawning. But mostly eating.

I visualize that when I am seated at a gate, or on a plane, when I’m feeling like the fault line is going to crack, and send all the saucers and tea cups to their fiery death. Or, I yell at myself in the toliet closet to “snap out of it” while dancing and singing like a goat would do if she could.

Sometimes I think I should have went with Cheetah, but they’re just as anxious as me.

The mind is a powerful, pissed off demon at times. I refuse to let it hold me back from doing the things I love the most.

So, if the idea of being a goat can get me through a trans-pacific, or Atlantic flight, I think I’ll take it.

With a side of Xanax, of course.

Hoppin’ around downtown LA

June 7, 2016

06/072016

They ate everything.

Rabbits are often referred to as pests, generally to our seasonal produce. Australian artist, Amanda Parer created a public installation that examines the vermin that are responsible for eradicating wildlife, while escaping annihilation by humans. Intrude was created from sewn white nylon, inflated and illuminated from the inside. Introduced to Australia by European settlers in 1788, rabbits are responsible for creating an imbalance to the country’s endemic species. Yet, our feelings for these fluffy, adorable creatures are fairly complex. Her work examines the cocktail of emotions we have for these furry nuisances.

They represent the fairytale animals from our childhood – a furry innocence, frolicking through idyllic fields. Intrude deliberately evokes this cutesy image, and a strong visual humour, to lure you into the artwork only to reveal the more serious environmental messages in the work. They are huge, the size referencing “the elephant in the room”, the problem, like our environmental impact, big but easily ignored.

Amanda Parer

For a very limited run, Los Angeles will be welcoming in the nylon scourge. You can view them downtown starting June 5th, through June 11th at these locations: Bank of America Plaza, Wells Fargo Center and FIGat7th. They will be available for photo shoots from noon to 9 p.m. each day.

After their take over of the West, they will complete their North American tour to New York, Denver, and Houston. For more information about Intrude, you can keep going down the rabbit hole here.

More about the artist: http://amandaparer.com.au/

Cheers!

January 19, 2016

01/192016

For everyone’s whose eyes I borrowed, thank you.

Your thoughtful browsing of my posts are always genuinely appreciated and loved. This baby of mine is over a year now, officially 13 months in parent-speak.

I will continue to lurk in alleyways, and investigate fascinating areas to find some interesting locales for your minds to be enriched.

Promise.

January 19, 2016

01/192016

Before Abbot Kinney was littered with decadent shops and gourmet cafes, it once belonged to the bohemians, green space, and the eccentrics. The boulevard’s galleries showcased the neighborhood talent, and praised itself for being an artist’s refuge from materialistic L.A.

Lucky for us, the hyper-gentrification didn’t sell all the soul from Abbot-Kinney. In some unexpected nooks and crannies, there is some art lurking in the open. I almost missed The Chaplin Zoetrope, if my lovely friend had not pointed out to me as I was walking into traffic.

While I was searching for the name of the person responsible for saving my inattentive heinie, my eyes landed on the stack of informative cards perched under the exhibit. The card’s map specified all the public art in the area, along with a web address of other projects that all art-appreciating Angelenos should be aware of.

On the reverse, the numbers explain each installation, with their whereabouts included. Thanks to Robin Murez, who commenced the Venice public art project in 2005, she hoped to inspire a sense of community amongst all the various citizens dwelling in the Venice area. Along with unifying the residents, Robin wanted bring about a sense of wonderment and delight with each piece.

They are always open to suggestions, and needing assistance with: locating sites, creating, inviting, organizing, installing, landscaping, CAD drawings, permits, funding, photographing, and media.

While I’m crafting my thank you card, I recommend investigating these visual treasure troves before they’re bulldozed for a new Prada store.

Website: www.venicepublicart.com

Author.

October 28, 2015

10/282015

In the middle of my daily drudgery at the office, a text popped in with what I hoped to be my future. Travel Channel created a reality show that needed contestants, and was holding auditions TODAY. The hope was to find the luckiest of all ducks: he/she would be the host of their own travel web series. Upon reading (skimming) the guidelines, I hustled my big blue eyes over to my boss, hoping that that extra swish of mascara would allow my early retreat from work. Without mentioning much, he signed off on my early departure, gave me a spank, and wished me the best of luck.

Rushing off towards the Tastemade Studios, with my newly acquired bruise, I started gathering bits and pieces of odd travel tales. Not really knowing the rules, because I, uh, read it so closely, I closed my eyes to see what I could conjure up.

Hmmm….monkeys? Sure. Anxiety problems? YES. Mild mention of extreme poverty of India, which shows my adventurous side? Well, yeah.

While my half-assed meditation was in motion, I felt a nudge and an almost paper cut on my arm. “Hey, you might want this.” I bypassed lunch, so I was sort of anticipating a pack of fruit snacks. Instead, he handed me a paper with all the rules and guidelines that we should probably know.

After a quick read over, my meditations were fairly useless. “2 minutes to describe where you’re from, why and what made you love travel, and how you like to travel”. Whaaa? Ok. While scrambling my shit together to form cohesive sentences, a camera with a lovely female voice asked me what part of the process I was in. Clearly, I do not audition often (read: at all) so I was fairly dumbfounded when I faced with this question, and in front of a looming camera.

Welp.

Here we go.

Everyone loves illicit drugs and personality disorders, so of course I am going to take that road.

“Well, I made sure to take my Xann-I mean Xanax (leave street slang at home) today, so I am feeling great. (illicit drug reference – good!) I’m not gonna hide like I want to, because I am so anxious right now” (mention of panic disorder – I’m totally in.)

Lucky for me, I did indeed make the highlights of the L.A. auditions – which the above picture is from. Unpleasantly, I did not make the final 15. A blessing in disguise really, because yours truly does not advertise herself well – unless I can wear a sandwich board.

Also…I was sort of not thrilled with the idea of being known as “the lady with monkey problems”.

June 16, 2015

06/162015

“Nobody intends to put up a wall!”

Walter Ulbricht, Leader of the GDR, June 15, 1961 – 2 months before the Berlin Wall was erected.

Bring home a piece of the oppression.

After 26 years of Checkpoint Charlie, the Berlin Wall tumbled down. The haunting combination of barbed wire and cement that segregated Berlin, crumbled by force to reunite the communist-controlled East, with their capitalist West neighbors. East Germany’s way of life that was cultivated under Soviet rule tumbled out as well.

Does IKEA have prints of these?

Fortunately for us history buffs and curious cats, the Wende Museum has fought to collect, and preserve the remnants of the communist-era. Currently located in Culver City, the collection contains artifacts, personal histories and archival documents that record life, expression and politics during the Cold War period from 1945 to 1991. They have amassed a variety of media including: design objects, periodicals, ceramics, paintings, sculptures, posters, furniture, clothing, films and books. A bragging right of the Wende is that they are one of the few institutions in the world to hold an almost complete run of Neues Deutschland, the official newspaper of the central committee of the Socialist Unity Party (SED), the controlling party of the East German state. Not many can proclaim this: due to the emotionally charged end of the Cold war, a lot of articles were destroyed, or defaced.

I think he looks dashing as a pink head.

I think Lenin looks dashing as a pink head.

The Museum commits its acquisition resources largely to those artifacts, artworks or collections that either make an important addition to core strengths or fill significant gaps, and/or are threatened with imminent destruction or dispersal. This includes historically or culturally significant items likely to be sold to a private collection and removed from public access. The Wende also attempts to acquire artifacts at the request of scholars in need of specific resources unavailable elsewhere. – The Wende Museum

Despite all my rage, I'm just a Lenin in a cage.

Despite all my rage, I’m still just a Lenin in a cage.

A few of the odds and ends that were recently acquired from the surveillance state were the Stasi espionage cameras and recording equipment, outfitted in various briefcases. For the dames, a purse to discretely snap photos of would-be escapees, radicals, or tunnel diggers. Among the photogenic spy items, there were also various wire tapping devices, just to remind you that you never know who was really listening in.

It's how I keep up with the happenings in my neighborhood.

Talk directly into my briefcase, and tell me about your weekend.

Not all of the Wende is Lenin, and Stasi: they also obtained articles from the East German 6th Sports and Gymnastics Festival, held in Leipzig. From jerseys, helmets, medals, to even the athlete’s sneakers, it is a rather complete assortment.

A locker room, without the unpleasant odor.

If athletic events don’t interest you, the various records and and play bills might light up your intrigue.

Porgy, is that you?

At the end of the tour, you’ll find yourself surrounded by relics from the checkpoints at the Wall. One can only imagine the fear and anxiety that permeated German citizens as they crossed.

The Wende Museum is currently in the process of relocating to the Armory, in Culver City, as the tiny confines of the current location do not allow for full displays of all the various collections. Once completely moved in, they plan on accessible hours and days for the public to visit. There is no set opening date, they are still looking for investors and donations to fund the new location. As of late, they only allow guided tours on selected days of the week, since most of the pieces are in a warehouse and storage, wrapped up, in boxes, or in cages.

The Wende Museum

5741 Buckingham Parkway, Suite E
Culver City, CA. 90230

Phone: (310) 216-1600

Open to the public on Fridays, from 10am to 5pm, except holidays, guided tours to the public are on Fridays at 11:30 AM and 2 PM

Admission is free.

April 14, 2015

04/142015

Being vegetarian for over 20 years, most people assume that I would be against taxidermy. Unbeknownst to my nearest, I have a slight affliction towards post-mortem animal sculptures. Mostly the blame lies towards my upbringing: I was raised by outdoorsmen, hunting and fishing types that would up-cycle their kills. My uncle had his basement turned into a natural history museum exhibit. From woodland creature pelts, to moose legged lamps, one could really learn a lot about the animals of the upper midwest.

He would've really brightened up my living room.

There’s always room more lil helpers like him.

While I was dog sitting this weekend in the San Fernando Valley, I was blinded by the bounty of this oddities shop on Magnolia Blvd. Careening my sleigh to the first available spot, I hurried myself in. I was greeted immediately by one of the owners, Erick, who was busily cleaning and arranging new product. Right away, he offered his assistance, since I was eyeing up his taxidermy rodent selection very hungrily. He also mentioned that all the animals that were available for purchase all died from natural causes. I appreciated that, since I felt a little crappy about my lusting for a top-hatted mouse, that was next to skulls of various creatures, bottled insects, a bat, and all sorts of curiosities. They also display a sign stating that all wildlife was ethically sourced, so you needn’t feel guilt when your coin purse starts doing all the talking.

Eye see you.

Erick also dropped an interesting tidbit: they offer a taxidermy class, if any are interested in making their own animal militia. They also can help you put your dusty Ouija boards to use, as they offer occasional seances.

What do you say about a leathery mermaid?

In the very back of this multi-roomed emporium, I met a lovely mermaid with a mildly shrunken head. I’m thinking she might make an excellent centerpiece during the holidays. Besides the lovely maiden of the sea, stacks of lonely Ouija boards, bearded lady t-shirts, movie posters, vintage comics and old cameras, and hell, even wax busts of no-name dames.

If you ever want to give me a gift, this is it.

If you ever find yourself roaming Burbank in need of a turtle skeleton, or squirrel eyes, maybe even some Star Wars comics, please do yourself the biggest favor and visit the wonderfully macabre, Bearded Lady. Your shelves and dreams will never be empty again.

Bearded Lady Vintage and Oddities

3005 W Magnolia Blvd

Burbank, California

(323) 696.5219

Hours: Tues – Sat: 10am – 7pm/Sun – Mon: 12pm – 7pm

Online Store: https://squareup.com/market/beardedladyvintage

March 30, 2015

03/302015

Located in a tourist-laden part of Santa Monica, the 113 year-old Camera Obscura perches nonchalantly on the cliffs. A short jaunt from the famous pier, the 50s type font on the camera’s housing begs you to take a gander.

You can scope out climbing trees for afterwards.

One of three left in California, Robert F. Jones constructed the camera in 1898, and gave it to the city in 1907. For 50 years, the camera delighted beach goers and peeping toms on Santa Monica beach. By 1955, it was relocated to the nearby Senior Recreation Center.

A-ha!!!

The Camera obscura dates back to the ancient Greek era, as it was one of the earliest optical inventions. Scholars believe that these types of “cameras” were utilized by Renaissance painters like Leonardo Da Vinci to project live images onto the canvases to assist them in painting. By the Victorian and Edwardian times, it had become a popular attraction in the US, and across the pond.

Peeping Lauren.

I was rather pleased to see a diverse blend of persons queuing up for their opportunity to view the beach through a Renaissance lens. We have come so far when photography is involved, yet we sometimes forget what novel inventions we have left behind. The camera obscura is free, and all you have to do is wait your turn once you sign in. Once you’re in, they give you the key, and you can spend a large chunk of time spinning the wheel, exploring the beach of Santa Monica, or the car culture on the other side. A fun side adventure for all ages. Bring grandpa along, so he can prattle off tales of how this was the only camera he had as a boy, while his great-grandchildren struggle for a grainy snapshot with their iPhone 6’s.

Ahoy, thar be lookie loos ahead!!

Camera Obscura

Senior Recreation Center

1450 Ocean Blvd.

Santa Monica, CA 90401

Hours: Mon-Fri 9am – 2pm Sat 11am – 4pm

Phone: (310) 458-8644

The Gentle Barn

March 25, 2015

03/252015

Sundays are often reserved for sleeping through all of your meager time away from the office. Yawning, you consider an indulgent beach day, so you could even out that driver’s tan. But on second thought, slathering on SPF 1000 has inspired a change of plan. There’s a place above in the canyons that is home to abused/neglected farm animals that are rehabilitated, is open for pettings to the public only on Sundays.

Sassy prefers a massage while she sunbathes.

The Gentle Barn was started by Ellie Laks, in 1999, in Tarzana, CA. It was a dream of hers since the tender age of 7. Animals were a constant source of comfort to her throughout her childhood. Jay Weiner, who felt similarly, decided to volunteer, then joined forces with Ellie. Together, they relocated the Gentle Barn from a half-acre property, to a sprawling six acres, in Santa Clarita, CA. Their ultimate dream is to open Gentle Barns across the nation, to provide healing and safety to all animals and children. The animals are often paired up with children who’s stories mirrors theirs: abuse, neglect, ect. The children find in the animals a source of hope, a future of healing, and a new friend.

Snuggle Claire as she gobbles sweetly in your ear.

Luckily, the Gentle Barn is opened on Sundays to the public, so you can cuddle Claire, scratch Sassy the Goat, or even get a hug from a cow.

Hug, brush, or snuggle, will bring an approving nuzzle.

If you want to begin to frequent this barnyard snuggle fest, you can buy a season pass for $50.00. It will buy you admission, a popcorn, and a bottle of water. You can walk right in after you sign in. No waiting in line, so you don’t have to arrive to a bunch of cranky carrot craving horses. What I also enjoy is that they offer vegan hot dogs, and other nice nibbles for purchase. There is also an option of bringing your own picnic lunch, but please note: they request that you do not bring meat or dairy onto the premises in respect of the animals. Parking is also free, and it is on a gravel lot, so leave your Sunday’s finest at home.

The Gentle Barn

15825 Sierra Highway

Santa Clarita, CA 91390

Open on Sundays to the Public: 10am – 2pm

Admission: $10.00

Phone: 661-252-2440